Ok, so normally I am not a big bathroom humor person. Those scatological scenes in the movies that have the rest of the theater rolling on the floor? I'm usually inwardly cringing and waiting for them to be over. I'm pretty sure the reason people get divorced involves a) going to the bathroom in front of each other and b) something called Dutch ovens, so Brad and I do all we can to pretend neither one of us even goes to the bathroom. Ever. But when a friend suggested checking out the reviews for "Liquid Ass" on Amazon for a good laugh, I figured why not. And by why not I mean because I've been stuck in the far suburbs (of Detroit? of Ann Arbor? who knows) in the dead of winter by myself for almost two weeks with a toddler and no cable.
Of course, I went straight to the 1-star reviews since I couldn't imagine why someone who ordered Liquid Ass from Amazon could possibly be disappointed, right? Among the reasons were: "said 4 oz but only got 1 oz" (not enough ass) and "the bouquet doesn't last" (ass is too short-lived). There were also the ass punsters "liquid ass not what it's cracked up to be." Bah-ha-ha. The 2-stars reviews were just as good: from the smart ass, "the smell is ephemeral; it will dissipate in about 20-30 mins." (And yes, I had to look up ephemeral...how is it that I don't know that word?) Then then there those with mom-immunity: "I sprayed it on a tree and smelled it. It just smells like a poopy diaper. I have 3 kids so maybe that's why it wasn't a huge deal to me." There were also the moral high-grounders: "Life is bad enough without this trash. How many adults can use this in good conscience? If [you] can, think again." Then there were those who expressed concern regarding the working conditions of those employed by Liquid Ass: "My God --this stuff gets the award for most smelly. Who the hell has the nads to work with this stuff everyday at the factory?"
Someone had better come to the middle of nowhere and bust me out of here stat. I'm looking at crap (ha ha) like this on the Internet, and I almost made it through a whole episode of "Two and a Half Men" without changing the channel.
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